Dear diary, it hurts, a lot today. 💙

Throughout life I have found myself in situations that directly and indirectly sculpted who I am today. Yes, good and bad. young and impressionable, a big chunk of my soul was affected and there were experiences that I am still hurting for today. This healing journey is equally long and painful but at times satisfying when another layer is recognizably healed and stronger. Lesson learned. Priceless. 

Time still seems the enemy, but only because I want it to happen faster. Somehow in my mind, it's supposed to "happen" faster.  I am trying so hard to respect my healing process time in the spiritual ICU of life. But most days I am just trying not to flail around desperately, finding myself spiraling again. Spiraling because he knows "exactly" what to say? Why do they do that to me? His words ringing in my head, "it's your word against mine." 

Now why in the world would my words ever need to be against yours or anyone's?? If we are living in an upright manner accountable to ourselves and God and I am living my truth and authentic self, daily, and I don't seek to harm anyone; I stay to myself, and I keep my peace, why are you still coming for me??...

As though running me over the first 1000 times wasn't enough?? Why won't they leave me alone, I am just trying to heal! Why won't you let me heal?? If feels like as soon as they see me happy longer than they think I should be. They have to remind me of how weak, and miserable and vulnerable and "unhealed" that I appear to still be. 

God these setbacks are devastating. I just want to "be better" Obviously, if a simple conversation with a few toxic words can still back me into a corner and cause me to derail and shut down. Then, it still needs some tending to. 

There was a time when I had the little girl fairy tale mindset that I would be loved and cared for and cherished. That I would be protected and even saved. Unfortunately, I learned a very hard lesson, many hard lessons.

 Most people cannot save themselves, much less the person that may be counting on them. I mean, I couldn't even do it. I wanted to loved and be loved and I wanted to save, and be accepted, yet I couldn't even love and save myself. And the person I was trying to get that from couldn't do that for themselves either. Two lonely, broken, drowning souls. Desperation for survival turned into pain and then damaging behaviors and the rest was history. 

Now, I know that saving myself from myself and the ways that I knew before is vital for my existence and growth. Through trial and suffering, tears and toil and a lot of dying to oneself, submitting my plan to a higher power. Yes, God is my Father, and the holy spirit is my friend and helper. But in the end, I am a human, with human experiences and I break under pressure, but now I am going to actively give myself permission daily if I have to, to heal, even if it takes what now looks like the rest of my life. 

Now, I know, or I have been told, that I have what seems to be a bit problem. "I care way too much. I believe way too much. And I try way too much."

 Honestly, I think I get that now, because I am really tired in my soul here lately. I wonder if it's because of this. Is this my weakness, or a strength misused? It's so hard for me to set boundaries with people without swinging too far on the pendulum and just throwing away opportunity for experiences and interactions with people because I already know they end up disappointing me so badly anyways. The cruelty of this world is beyond my comprehension most days. This world exhausts me. 

And yet by some strange miraculous bounce back magic that wells inside of me, I will still wake up every day and look out the window with yet still a tiny glimmer of hope, through sometimes tear-stained eyes. 

Wait, is this my "Groundhog Day" affect in real time? Then what is my lesson?? What do I have to get right to be able to move on?? Honestly, this just made me chuckle, I guess finding humor in such a desolate situation can bring me relief for a moment. 

Back to.... 

Desperately, praying and believing that one day it will all make sense, and all the suffering and meanness would eventually show me why there was better days coming. No, I don't think I have a problem, it's just perspective. Believing in God as He is always by my side is not the hard part, but people, believing in the people? Well, that's a class I don't think I'm passing in life.  I look around and I see them, feel them, hear them and they are slowly losing their humanity. 

Now don't get me wrong, I will try to reign back the doom and gloom and say that I am so amazed when I get to see and feel the people that are trying offset and raise the vibration in this world one kindness at a time to make a difference. And I can tell you, they build my faith and give me a hope so huge, that I feel like my soul is made new again. I can see Gods love in them walking in real time. So, it's a real thing, but I bet they get tired too sometimes. 

So, back to this setting boundaries stuff. It is so hard for me plain and simple. Because, firstly, I don't even like to be mean. And if they make me upset, it feels like I am mean. But they don't seem to mind at all. In fact, they seem to feed off upsetting me and making me cry. They even act shocked, like "what's come over you?? Sometimes I wish I could just plunk a ton of emojis down for all the faces Id make while telling you, my words. But I think the journal would be overtaken by pure emojis. 

Anyways, I distract myself once again...

Nonetheless, I have to set the boundaries, I am stronger now to do so, even with their guilt tripping I remain. So, I guess my takeaway here is I am stronger in that I am teaching myself and them how they need to be with me. That no matter how upset they get, because they apparently would rather sip on a poison of hatred than to do the work to change their ways. I can change and set the ways for me. And in doing so they may not like it, but they will have to learn. As I have been showing them exactly how to treat me all along.  

 With the newfound understanding through my series of unfortunate experiences of learning how to set boundaries on people who don't care about how their words and actions make others feel inside. And recognizing that it is still bit hard for me to stand up for myself. I am doing a better job than I was before and that my dear is progress.

I also recognize when I am at the point where if I have to plead my case about how you have made me feel, and to beg for you to please stop, yet you continue. When I had to explain myself to you time and again, about what made me unsafe and unhappy, and all you did was talk me out of it. Or make me feel like my boundaries to protect my heart were just me being rude to you. 

If when, I spoke to you about my feelings, you told me, "You are being too dramatic" or "that's your opinion" or "I will agree to disagree with you" or finally, "it's your word against mine."

All that you have shown me and that I now see, is that my time and effort and inner being are no longer valuable to you and worth your attention. You are showing me, and I am finally seeing that your life reflects an inner turmoil, and that you are choosing to take that frustration out on me because I always let you before.

Today is a new day, and I pray for your healing and change, and I thank God for showing me my worth through the pain. That I have always been worth so much more than I ever allowed myself to have.

 Final thoughts,

"If you did not know who I truly was whilst standing next to me for so long, Then the chances that you ever would was probably none...... until I was gone." JLH

You don't have permission to hurt me anymore. You don't have permission to take my peace. You don't have permission to steal my joy. 

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have peace. I deserve to have joy. And you do too. Now, I will show us both... how. 💙