Its ok to ask for help. 💙

 

Dear Diary, 

Today was hard, again. I went to an appointment this morning with a church, where, I had to ask for financial assistance because, I cannot afford my rent and monthly bills. They brought me in, and it was humbling, but they were very courteous and gentle. I went into a room with two gentlemen, and they proceeded to make me feel comfortable. They asked me what brought me in, and they wanted me to share a little about my life and why I was where I was today. 

Now, this is their job and part of the process to be approved or not for assistance as they have limited funds to try and help so many people. Precious really. I took a deep breath and asked God to give me the words because it was already so hard to be there. I started off jumbling my words and basically telling them I did not feel worthy to be there and I understood if they could not help me, because I felt like there were other people more in need than me.

They sweetly reassured me that, I could share, and they would do their best to help me. I had to explain why I had no income and why I was in the situation I was in and what my plans were for the future. 

I took another deep breath and said Well, I lost my job 6 months ago suddenly and to be honest it hit me harder than I expected. As, I've been through so much in my life already, I was not eager to jump back into the work force again. So, I paid my bills off several months in advance with my savings and lived off my unemployment as well. I enjoyed my summer and found my worth and started classes and educating myself for a better job position in the future. 

Before I knew it, I ran out of money, and I still couldn't make up my mind where to work. The thought of working and being around people again gave me such horrible anxiety. As I continued to explain why I was struggling with anxiety from past experiences at the last job I worked. I began to pour out my heart about my life and the struggles I endured. Before I knew it, somehow listening to myself talk out loud for the first time in this capacity to these two strangers while I scribbled aimlessly on the notepad, they gave me while looking at the floor tears streaming down my face. 

I was pouring out my heart and weeping so deeply about my own story, as I listened to myself talk. It felt as though I was finally grieving something I never truly grieved for the first time in a very long time.  

Now, I have cried a lot and been depressed and just down for my past, but I don't remember ever grieving the way I was grieving in that room today. I was terrified yet relieved as though I had been on pressure cook all my life and the pressure was finally allowed to be released. It hurt and felt so good all at once. 

They were both very quiet and sympathetic while I poured out my heart. And when I stopped talking, they began validating and comforting me and that was different to me as well. They counselled me while I sat with them, trying to give me any bit of encouragement that they could muster in that moment. 

But for me, I had already stepped into a life changing portal of peace in that room, because in that moment that I began to share out loud in a safe space, about my pain while they listened, I was transforming. That was something I have never really experienced in all my life. And I always terrified to speak, I have lived in silence for so long out of embarrassment, pain, trying to protect the other party from shame, and my children from discomfort. But in doing so the pain and offenses and damage was slowly killing me inside. 

I'm honestly not sure they expected that to happen when they brought me into the room, but they seemed so compassionate and understanding as though this was not the first time hearing a story like mine. The man even said he was "encouraged by me" though I am not entirely sure how I encouraged him, when I don't look or feel like anything the bit of encouraging at this point in my life. They gave me life today. They gave me a feeling and a solace that I felt safe enough in to believe that I was given the permission to share, and that I too can truly heal one day. 

They instinctively suggested a Christian counselor and I surprisingly felt like that was the way to go. Almost as if that was the true reason, I needed this appointment today after all. And guess what? I made an appointment because of that very experience I had today. 

I am excited, but, still a little nervous, because it is still a level of vulnerability that I am not used to. But the way I see it, is, if I can manage to be brave enough to allow myself the chance to find and create another safe space like what I found today, then it is completely worth the try. 

I tell you this, so that if you have been thinking about finding your safe space. I would encourage you to do even more so now than ever. I would like to keep you updated to my journey. Because I need to understand and repurpose that all my pain will be for good measure one day. And if anything, else, to remind me of how far I have come and to remind you that it is ok to be vulnerable and to ask for help and to reach out for help.

I deserve to be happy, and I deserve to be healed and so do you.  💙