Like a record player.... the story of our life goes round and round, but the best is only yet to come.

Record loop...... Round two.... try again. 

You know, it's been such a long road, but somethings changed; I feel different somehow. It kind of feels like I'm standing at the top of the canyon and looking down, with the sudden realization that I was somehow down there, last time and now I'm on the other side of the canyon. When did that happen? That feels surreal, I mean I almost don't even remember climbing or moving. How did I get here? 

I can remember the exact depth of desperation and hopelessness overtaking my mind and heart. It felt so impossible. Yet, my body and soul somehow continued moving and climbing, crawling, through the tears, pain, sorrow, and sadness, oh the depths of sadness. Eyes swollen from crying I couldn't even see the progress I was so miraculously making the whole time. Head down and lost in despair, I only saw my feet on the ground below me. Yet, somehow, I am standing here, I can finally see something.  I can see where I was, where I used to be, how different I look and feel now. I am not there anymore; I want to cry and laugh all the same. I am humbled and amazed. But what exactly does this mean? Time to start reflecting.... but before I do, I am going to stop and breathe in the view....

Like DeJa'Vu

Yeah, I remember this place; I remember this feeling. I started to mourn to myself, oh god, here we go again, I just can't catch a break, but then, I realize, like DeJa'Vu.  I remember being here before, something feels different, but what is it?  I remember so clearly; I was so broken and scared and hopeless. I can see myself and feel myself, crying and desperate for change and thinking it would never happen. The cycles before me, started playing like scenes from the movie of my life, right in front of me. I saw where I was and how far I had come ......It all looked the same, but I looked so different this time. Then I realized, I was different I was a completely different person.

When I think where I've come from, and where I am now, I think of those cycles of life that I went through over and over again.  I imagine infinite circles, looping constantly looping through my life, like a record playing over and over. As the etchings are made, some are not so kind and glorious to see or hear, most especially to feel. Through the course of my life there were many not so great moments that left me scarred in ways that left me feeling that these painful memories would last forever. At times the needle would scratch or jump right over that memory cut so deep seemingly and seemingly layered with more scratches every time the record plays over again. Round and round the record grooves of life played mercilessly. 

Embracing the Grooves

I imagine that when we are born, the record is empty and smooth, no marking no edges, no etchings for the fine needle to fall into gliding through almost effortlessly into every groove, eventually, producing a sound that the human ears can interpret into the story of our lives. 

It has definitely been a challenge learning to embrace my scars, my etchings and my life grooves. The painful with the beautiful is the solace that I have now found. This record of life is like no other, it is mine. There are a lot of similar stories and experiences, that we as humans can all relate to and compare, but I think there is truly no record like the record of you, nor will there ever be. Glorious and unique your record plays on. 

With this understanding we can have a level of compassion for ourselves and look back with kindness and grace to see that there were times and experiences that we could not control as they happened to us.  And that learning how to embrace those beautiful and painful grooves, we can grow and heal and move on to the next parts of our story.

Expectations vs Reality

Something I noticed, growing up in a religious community, that often times the mindset was well, if you pray hard enough and believe well enough, it will "magically disappear". You know the memory, the pain, the cycle.  It seemed that falsity of information left a good many, in fear of judgement when the issues and cycles never truly went away or resolved themselves. The level embarrassment and guilt for not being able to "believe enough" or something enough to "just be better." was as painful as the cycle itself.  

I do believe in miracles, I do believe in healing, I do believe in laying hands on sick and praying. But I do also believe that with some situations including those of generational patterns there is a need for a level of understanding, guidance, teaching and participation to navigate the cycles into corrective existence.  

To rewrite the cycle, to make it brand new we will need to understand where the past needs the corrective action to put forth into the future. The record of our life is not done being etched and written and will continue to play round and round. The difference is whether we choose to let the record play on with old stories and old patterns or if we use the old stories and correct the old patterns to make the new ones better. The cycles will always continue the same, but what we do while going through them, with a different mindset and practices, will creating different outcomes and will determine how quickly these cycles can change so that new ones can be made. 

Generations in the Making Fighting for Something New

The record of my life is multiple generations long, etched with horrible grooves for domestic violence, abuse and alcoholism and suicide. And these are only the major ones that I am mentioning. Since, I was under the impression early on that if I prayed hard enough, believed hard enough, and wanted it enough, the cycles would eventually just stop and rewrite themselves. This, misconception, and false hope set me up for failure and disappointment and repeated cycles. 

From my experiences, I will tell you how and why. I believe and now understand that breaking cycles and changing the outcomes takes work, oh so much work. Yes, you still need to firstly, have faith, but you still must make the choice. You will receive help along the way because of your act of faith, but then you will have to roll up your sleeves and work and fight for this better future, for the future of your bloodline. 

My cycles did not stop just because I said enough! is enough! They stopped and started to change when I started doing things differently than those before me. I only knew what was shown to me, I learned those behaviors and cycles from the ones before me, and they did also the same. It kind of reminds me of being in a forever ground hog kind of day, experiencing the same things over and over, until you step back and say ok, that's enough I want out of this loophole. 

I continued to do the same exact things and repeat the same exact cycles until I went through the painful process of awakening and finally made the decision to be aware of those repeated cycles. I was essentially destroying myself and those I loved. I had to search the who's, the why's, the where's and how's.

It was both freeing and disheartening at the same time. There are those who do not agree in looking back at the past to understand how to navigate into the future. But I believe firmly when trying to break cycles and generational patterns that it is completely necessary to do this and to have these notes of insight and understanding to move forward and out of these old patterns. When you do this, you will empower yourself for what is going to come and what it is going to take to change that cycle.

Remember, you are only doing it to take notes, to find the patterns and the negative learned behaviors and understand how to counter them for the next "test".  So, that when you step back into that classroom called life ready to take that history lesson and etch another life groove you will do your ground hog day just a little bit differently each time. Eventually, by doing this over and over enough times you will break free from the cycle and a new record groove will begin. The cycle will be broken, not by escaping or avoiding but embracing and then walking through or if need be, at times, crawling through, into your future with a different heart, mindset, reaction, habits and behaviors. Same story, different outcome, different You.

You are the Trailblazer for all Generations

That will be the moment you are free, and the cycle will no longer be. You will have written a brand-new story, a brand-new cycle, with new and healthier habits, mindsets, and behaviors. This will allow you to etch a smoother kinder story and sound that will last into the next generations. Understand should you be the one in your family that chooses to accept this conquest, that you will most likely do this for the rest of your life. You are the trailblazer for bloodline past, present and future. Should you choose to accept, you will NEVER be the same. 

There will those that choose not to awaken, and if they do awaken and become aware, they will choose to remain the same. They will consider the path to change too difficult and uncomfortable, and that is completely understandable as it truly is. Nonetheless, it is a choice that can be made or not. It is up to you. One has to choose to change, accept that which was, and accept that which will soon be. What has always been can be changed to what can be new again. Not away, but straight through the record of your life.  

Be Encouraged....It is Not the Same Anymore

In conclusion, I write this to you, sweet soul, to remind you. That it may look the same again this time, but I ensure you. You are not the same. Nor will you ever be again. You have already made the choice to be new and it has already begun. Hold, your faith, near to your heart, and know that one day you will look up and see how far you have come. Please do not forget who you were last year and the years before. No matter how the scenery replays, you are NOT the same. So, take a moment to see how far you have actually come. Have grace, on yourself, love yourself, be proud of yourself for what you are, for what you have become and for what you have done, for what you have endured, and how much you have grown. You are so amazing! And it is time for you to finally see! Stop and breath and appreciate the view, this is only the beginning. You are Now.