In the valley of despair.....there is an everlasting hope

Dear beautiful soul.... I know.... I have seen your pain. I have seen the devastation and brokenness that is before you. Words cannot express how much I wish that I could just make everything better for you right now. How I long to bring you words of comfort and understanding and wisdom to the darkest places that have destroyed you and continue to destroy you. I don't understand why these things happen and asking the painful question why, can be just as crippling to think upon. Beyond the air that I have the energy to breathe and live and exist. I want you to know that even as you sit in darkness and confusion and brokenness in what feels like complete and utter desolation and darkness.... I want you to know that you do not exist alone. 

I know you will hear me say that phrase frequently and I do not mean to overuse it.... but essence that is soul....it is my lifeline for us. I will give to you the only thing that I have and that is my hope.... what small glimmer of warmth that may be....and I will sit with you in silence and let the tears flow, but you will not do it alone. 

I do not understand the purpose to all the pain and suffering. At least not in a way that can be translated in a matter that could bring comfort and restoration to your heart.... Plainly put, this existence on earth is not an easy one for many.... and I have spent most of my life trying to conform and understand and adapt in a manner that would help me to arrive at a place of consolation that would suffice the pain and suffering that seemingly needs to occur in our lifetime. I have searched my soul and tried to understand how to take the tests of life in a way that I could feel as though I was "passing the test" and somehow would be promoted to the next chapter of blessing and happiness like I have seem so many others before me. 

I have found myself questioning my choices and abilities because my life did not measure my efforts. Like others have. It almost seemed like the more work I did inside my soul the darker and harder my life has become. Over the course of it all, it appears to be getting worse. I have beat myself up over and over, asking the weighted questions.... what did I do wrong? How could I do better? questioning and condemning everything I have ever thought I knew and understood. Only to come to no conclusions and only die a little more inside every day because of it. 

Peace within...

It is not making sense in the outward appearance, though the storm rage harder and harder on the outside, somehow strangely inside, my peace grows from within. I will explain.

Very recently, another layer of life's hardships was presented to me, leaving me with heart shattering news that made me not want to be here anymore. A feeling of heaviness and desolation beyond what a human mind can fathom. It coursed through my veins with such ferocity and yet strange tranquility it left me feeling numb. As I reached out to a loved one, in that moment to hear their voice and my own. I asked that they sit with me on the phone for a minute so that I could know what was real. They preciously, stated their concern and love and upset for the situation but eventually had to leave. But it was just that enough that I needed to stay anchored to the reasons that I try every day. I sat for over an hour weeping, and feeling numb, then weeping again as though the layers of my soul were slowly leaving my body via my tears.

I refrain to say the depth of conversations and feelings that went on in my head and heart that day, because it got pretty dark and intense.... but for those who have been in that place, you know, we know how heavy every word is in those moments. 

As I struggled to find the surface again, I thought about going to the gym and hammering out a 3hour session to fight my demons and get clarity, but I just couldn't.... so, I climbed into bed I put my beanie on and pulled the heavy blanket over myself as though I could shut out the world with my actions then I grabbed my laptop to work on my music. I honestly have to say I didn't believe anything would come of it, but I had to try. I ended up making a piece that comforted my soul and a stranger's words to my piece made me smile.... these small things may not seem like much, but they were the world to me in that moment......enough that I felt a temporary peace with my heart to my situation and fell asleep. 

I woke up the next morning and still didn't know how to feel, I cried a few more times at random and told myself I needed to keep moving. That I needed to do the failsafe methods while in this place. I refer now to my "failsafe steps" as favorite motivational speaker Mr. Eddie Pinero says, "connecting the dots".

Because I knew how dangerous it could be to dwell on the thoughts that would draw me under, I began to "connect my dots" for the day. I told myself to make coffee, take the dogs for potty and start to journal. But before I did, I grabbed the bible for a quick promise or comfort. I didn't try to look for an answer or explanation to my troubles.... but I came to Psalm 103, and it brought warmth to my soul.

In that moment, I had a vision of clarity and surrender.... I no longer needed an answer or a reason to believe for better days to come because it was going to be as I made it in that small moment from here to eternity. I came to the acceptance that if this would be my life for now and ever more that no matter what, how it made me cry, how it made me feel, I would still have my love and peace and comfort for all eternity. No matter what this world took from me, I would still have the peace of knowing that it was mine whenever I wanted it to be.... peace within.

I Proceeded to "connect my dots" (as E.P. would say it) I took the puppies for potty and fed them and then I sat down with my coffee and pulled out my laptop, and my puppy wanted to play. She made me smile with her enthusiasm because in her little world, everything was good, and she smiled at me to play. I couldn't help but smile back. So, we started a small game of fetch and throw, she got upset at me a few times because I began to try type this letter while trying to play with her. I stopped typing and gave her my attention and she made me laugh several times. Instinctively I think she knew I needed that more than she did. 

Then after a bit when I guess she saw that I laughed enough she settled down on the sofa next to me so content with herself. It made me chuckle inside at her ability for but a moment to understand how to minister to my heart with a small game of fetch. 

So, I will for now, continue.... to "connect the dots" of my life so that I can get through the times I find heavy to endure. I will remain in the promise to myself that the peace within is mine and mine alone. And I turn myself to the thought for today, that I know I am not the only one.... and though it brings me sadness to think upon.........it also brings me comfort to know that I am not the only one in the valleys of low and I feel surrounded in strength. 

That In my darkness and sadness and pain, I will be beautiful, and I will make beautiful what has tried to destroy me. That in the darkest part of that valley you would see my tiny fire, that others would feel my warmth, my comfort and my heart. And remember, that you are not alone beautiful one.... you are not alone. 

Psalm 103

 1Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.

2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:

3 Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;

4 Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;

5 Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The Lord executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.

7 He made known his ways unto Moses, his acts unto the children of Israel.

8 The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.

9 He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.

10 He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.

11 For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.

12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

13 Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him.

14 For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth.

16 For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more.

17 But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children's children;

18 To such as keep his covenant, and to those that remember his commandments to do them.

19 The Lord hath prepared his throne in the heavens; and his kingdom ruleth over all.

20 Bless the Lord, ye his angels, that excel in strength, that do his commandments, hearkening unto the voice of his word.

21 Bless ye the Lord, all ye his hosts; ye ministers of his, that do his pleasure.

22 Bless the Lord, all his works in all places of his dominion: bless the Lord, O my soul.