One step...one day at a time

Dear God,  

Yesterday was beautiful. 

For the first time in forever I felt happy and light and free.

I know these days do not come very often so I drink in every drop of happiness I feel. It's as though I had been a lost in the desert wandering forever until finally grazing upon the only well around for days....

I hungrily drink it all in and store the memory of every ounce of happiness I feel refilling my essence in these moments. Soaking in as much as I could hold. 

I was even giggling and goofy making jokes and interacting with others. I think I probably freaked some of them out because they never see me talk or smile or anything...even I could see myself and it made me chuckle, but I did not even care. It felt so good. They just did not understand how badly I needed a happy day.

The sun was shining my heart was full and I was able to accomplish a bit more than usual.

 One silver lining to depression and grief is when you've been under for a while...in the throes of sadness for so long when the sunny happy days happen... few and far between...they are much more meaningful and truly appreciated when they arrive.

Like food and water to the hungriest and thirstiest of souls in the middle of the desert....

I embraced and breathed in every moment of the whole day in slow motion storing proverbial canteens of water in my heart for my next desert trip that I knew would return as faithfully as it left. I acted as though this was the only water I would find again for another 100 miles. 

I did this until my head hit the pillow with a smile on my face and I eventually drifted off to sleep. 

Next morning,

As I slowly opened my eyes to the day, I could feel the onset heaviness of the reality I have been living for a while return with the same vigor as before. I let out the Deepest sigh because I know I am going to have to work to get through this one. 

I weakly smile and remember the beautiful day I was given yesterday and soak in the memory of that joy. Its ok, I tell myself. Do your part honey you got this. We know the drill.

Do what you can with what you got and let go of the rest. Make plans but honor the reality of the layers that are exposed today. 

You are going to change pace and honor your waves today and breathe believe and move, you're ok, my love, you're ok.

Yes mam, 

I tell myself.

It's strange how difficult simple tasks can be when you feel like you are suddenly and completely sitting in the quicksand of life. You know you cannot move quickly, or you will start to panic and drown but then the fear and the heaviness can start to set in too and even moving can in that very moment be the hardest task of the day.  

Usually on these days my mental task list is vital to getting me on track enough to not stay stuck completely in my head. 

As I sit on the edge of the bed the sweet eyes of my furry friends tell me mom, we gotta pee take us out you will feel better in the sun. This forces me to move. So, I move robotically towards my mental task list.

Task 1. quick shower.

Task 2. Get leashes and get them outside. 

Instantly seeing their happiness and relief to pee and stretch their legs. It makes me smile and the one who loves making me laugh starts to gyrate left and right with her ears back like she is dodging an invisible force that makes her instant craziness. 

She does this until I laugh every time it makes me happy. She is so content with herself and shows me the hugest smile of satisfaction with what she's done. She does it a few more times and then she gets tired. She is about 12 years old, but she still takes such great effort to make me laugh. Like she knows how much I need that. 

We sit there in the sun for a good 20 minutes and they are content to lie there with me. I love them so much for that.

Task 3. feed them and make coffee. 

Task 4. do chores. 

Task 5. make food.

Task 6. go gym

Task 7. work on classes 

I get to about the 4th task and I feel my body and my mind aching. So, I realize I probably not going to get much further on my task list today. I decide to make a soup and grabbed my book snuggled up on the sofa and started to read.

 Sometimes if I wait it out or take a small nap, I can reset enough to try the rest of the list. But as it turned out for today, I didn't get much further than the soup and good book. Which I finally finished. 

I took my puppies out for their evening potty. Settled them in and proceed to bed. and Now I am here writing.

I will count this a good day even though it was one of "those days" because I am getting better at recognizing and riding my waves. I am happy and proud of myself for the structure I was able to keep considering. 

 I am learning to face myself and accept that some days aren't going to be as easy as others and that I will take the good with the bad. and make the best with what I've got. I will rest and reset and pray for more strength and mental clarity tomorrow. 

Goodnight and sweet dreams my love, you are so amazing and precious to me. 

Better tomorrows someday....

Your, DesertRose.